Gun to my Heart
by CuteVampireCollie
Summary: Neku missed Josh, but he didn't want to admit it. And when Josh shows up only to leave again, Neku realizes the real reason behind not wanting to admit that he missed him. Josh/Neku :Lemon:


So another fic, finally. IT'S BEEN FOREVER. It really feels like it anyway. So this is a TWEWY fanfic and the pairing is Neku and Josh.

Just a heads up, sorry that I switch between Josh and Joshua a lot. It just really happened of its own accord because at some points Josh worked better and at other times, Joshua did.

Without further ado, enjoy!~

Neku knew he was feeling lonely. But as any other teenager would do, he tried his best to deny it, shoving his hands deep in his pockets as he continued his walk home from Mr. H's café. Neku tried to reason with himself, saying he couldn't be lonely because he had friends. Shiki, Rhyme, Beat, Eri, Mr. H…_He had friends._

But one of them was missing. Josh.

Neku didn't want to admit that he missed Josh. That he missed Josh like crazy. That he missed the insufferable Composer so much, he was starting to _go _crazy. He figured that by denying any thought of missing the silver-blonde prick, the insanity would slowly cease its rampaging.

And then there was the fact that Josh has shot him _twice._ Any normal person wouldn't miss their killer once separated from them. So why did Neku miss him? Why, why, why?

The spiky-haired boy huffed quietly and burrowed his face deeper into his high-necked collar, already hating the chill that had taken to the air because of it being fall. Dead leaves stood in his path and he uncaringly crunched right through them, only to be startled out of his thoughts by a light, airy giggle.

"What the hell…?" he murmured.

He whirled around only to find nothing and with furrowed eyebrows, he turned around again to right his direction and continued on toward home. He could swear that he had heard…No. No, it couldn't be. Could it?

But there it was again. Neku's blue eyes narrowed, his muscles tense, but he refused to turn around again. The bastard wouldn't be there anyway.

_I do hope you know, dear, that it's rude to ignore people._

The boy stopped dead in his tracks. He had _not_ just heard that. It hadn't been anywhere around him and it sure as hell hadn't been in his head either.

_You're also in denial. You might want to get help with that.~ _

Neku put his hand to his suddenly pounding head, his fingers clenching in stray strands that were beginning to come un-gelled.

He shook his head and continued walking, his mouth set in a grim line. No, he wouldn't let this get to him. Assuming that his mind was just playing tricks on him (because really, what else could it be?) he was already starting lose his mind faster than even he was aware of.

He wanted the Composer here with him that badly…

_It's heart-warming to know that you care, Neku._

Neku grunted, shaking his head to ward off these stupid, non-existent thoughts. He continued his walk home, thankfully uninterrupted and released a sigh when he saw the note on the kitchen fridge. It looked like his parents had gone out for dinner and wouldn't be home until late. Leaving Neku home alone. Which meant that his restless, agitated brain would have plenty of quiet time to think up more words said in Joshua's voice. Great.

He threw his backpack onto the counter before grabbing a quick drink of milk from the fridge. Then he toed off his shoes and put them next to the front door where all the others were kept, before trudging upstairs.

His room, which looked the same as usual, had grown dull and colorless over the months following the Game. Before, he'd had artworks with every color imaginable on his walls to the point where there wasn't even any room left to put new ones. But lately, every time he'd call out to Josh and wouldn't receive an answer, he'd let out the feelings of loneliness into a dreary void of black, white and gray.

He had resorted to drawing Noise and all the different Pins, hoping that Josh would see and know that he just couldn't let any of this go. Neku had begged for him to come and had only just recently stopped asking and asking and asking. He was losing hope -fast.

It was only when his eyes stopped scanning over his artwork-covered walls that he noticed the figure sitting elegantly on the edge of his bed.

Neku took in a sharp breath, his lungs already burning as he rubbed his painfully pricking eyes roughly with the palm of his hand. Now his mind had resorted to conjuring up images to satisfy his will to see the other.

"Why hello there, Neku.~ Miss me?"

Neku cursed quietly under his breath, giving the skin on his arm a slight pinch. When the blonde on his bed didn't disappear, Neku cursed again, this time only louder.

"What are you doing here, Josh? Why now? Why not one of the millions of times before when I got down on my knees and _begged _for you to come to me?"

Neku's glare was frigid, cold and hard as stone. He lifted his hands to his ears, his hands hovering over the appendages nervously. But he wasn't wearing his headphones. A ghost of a smirk reached the ex-Player's lips. Even after all this time, a part of him still subconsciously ached to have the music close by at all times. That way he could drown out whatever he didn't want to hear.

He had no control over the situation at hand and that made him nervous. Agitated. Only the sounds of the music, the beat pulsing through his veins could calm him.

"Still missing those annoying headphones of yours, are we? Oh, Neku…didn't the Game teach you anything?"

Neku's lips thinned into a tight line.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I learned a lot because of the Game. I learned how cruel you really are. Does that example work?"

Josh stood up, graceful, eerie, silent. He stalked forward slowly until he was standing right in front of his proxy. He reached out a hand toward Neku's face as if to cup his cheek, but Neku flinched and took a step back.

"If you wanted me here so badly, why the cold shoulder now?" Josh said quietly.

Josh looked -beyond all belief- very confused. Josh was _never_ confused. He was the criminal mastermind that was always in control and never faltered. It was so strange that Neku almost wanted to laugh. But he didn't. And anyway, laughing was something that was slowly becoming foreign to him so why bother?

Neku shrugged, trying his best to appear nonchalant.

"If you had showed up when I had actually asked you…" Neku muttered, trailing off.

Josh stepped forward again and Neku responded by only taking another step back. Now Josh appeared frustrated, his lavender eyes glinting calculatingly. Wait…Neku had seen that look before.

"You better not be trying to scan me, Joshua. My thoughts are mine and no one else's, least of all yours so back off."

"Oh, but Neku, you allowed me to do it when were in the Game.~"

Neku sighed, finally sitting on his bed now that the other boy was up and off it. He really couldn't handle this. A part of him still thought this was a figment of his imagination, but he couldn't help but get the feeling that this was real. Josh was real and right in front of him. Their conversation was real and actually happening.

The orange-haired boy resisted the urge to slap his forehead with the heel of his hand, instead choosing to pinch and rub the bridge of his nose in aggravation. It was bugging him that Josh could look like and properly imitate a kicked puppy but then use his words to joke around and be annoying.

"Josh, why are you doing this? The Game's over and yet you decide to play cat and mouse with me after all these months of not seeing me? Nice. _Real _nice."

Surprisingly enough, Josh made no comment whatsoever after that and the following silence was tense; a rubber band about to snap. After a few minutes of nothing but restless fidgeting on Neku's part, the ex-Player decided that he had to be the one to continue speaking otherwise they would just get nowhere.

"Josh, what are you really doing here? And no snarky comments this time, I swear. Just…answer me honestly, okay?"

Neku raised his gaze to meet the Composer's and their eyes locked. Neku's breath caught in his throat for a few short seconds as those gleaming amethyst eyes stared at him as intensely as the sun burned bright. It almost felt like the connection they shared when using a fusion attack in the Game. But then Neku blinked and the connection was severed.

Josh tilted his head, looking at Neku curiously. He moved to sit on the bed beside his proxy and Neku made no effort to move away, not even when Josh placed his hand on top of the other boy's wrist.

"I'm here to see you," came the soft reply.

Neku snorted quietly, quivering at the feel of Josh's hand atop his own. Their hands seemed to fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. It felt strange and caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end, but Neku almost liked it. So he let the contact remain.

"Yeah, if that were the case, wouldn't you have been here oh, I dunno', only a couple of weeks after the Game ended?"

Josh opened his mouth to either continue where he had left off or retort to Neku's comment or both, but Neku couldn't stop now that Josh was actually being serious and paying attention.

"Did you hear me the countless times I pleaded for you?" Neku laughed hollowly. "At first I tried to squash my feelings down and get rid of them. Because you killed me and what normal person would miss their killer? And it wasn't like you killed me once and then it was all said and done. No, you killed me _twice. Twice, _Josh."

Neku breathed in and out shakily and refused to make eye contact with Josh, but when Josh gave his wrist a squeeze, that somehow gave Neku the ability to continue with all he was trying to say. And for once, Josh was actually willing to hear him out.

"But the feelings were still there. Whether I liked it or not, we bonded during our week in the Game and while I was happy to have the others here with me, to finally have friends…you weren't there and that bugged me. I didn't want to miss you, but…"

"You did," Josh finished quietly.

Neku nodded, curling his neck forward so that his high collar would hide the bottom half of his face. He could feel himself blushing and he hated that just talking to the prick beside him could have this effect on him.

His chin wasn't buried in the folds of his collar for long however because only moments later Joshua reached out a pale, bird-thin hand and tugged on the spiky-haired youth's shirt so that he could grasp the newly freed chin in his incredibly thin fingers.

"And I missed you."

That was the last thing that Neku's brain was able to process because afterward, Joshua's lips were on his own and he tensed up, frozen and unable to move.

He must have missed Josh more than he had first thought because once the initial shock wore off and Neku could control his limbs once more, he was kissing Josh back with a heated fervor. What was he doing?

Neku blinked rapidly, his brain finally caught back up to speed as he roughly pulled away.

"What the hell was that? First you're all annoying and flirty and then you do a complete 180 and turn all serious on me, which is unusual enough for you, but now _this_?!"

Neku jumped up and off his bed, backing away from Josh like a cornered animal, his eyes firm as steel, completely betraying how his emotions were whirling and rocking about on the inside.

"What's your game this time, Josh?"

Joshua pushed himself up and grasped Neku's wrist once more, this time gentler than before. He caught Neku's eyes with his own and stared him down, practically daring the other to move away.

"Oh, Neku, Neku…is your mind always on games, hmm?"

Josh giggled lightly, the sound too airy and _girly _to be considered a laugh or chuckle as he pressed his lips to Neku's neck, sucking and licking the skin delicately.

Neku gasped, arching his back, his eyes rolling up into his head as Josh let loose his teeth and nipped and bit his proxy's neck, his tongue flicking out to lick each small puncture wound he made before he moved onto another spot.

Involuntarily, Neku's hands reached up and curled themselves in Josh's loose silver-blonde curls, his grip only tightening as Josh gave his jugular an especially rough bite. Neku began to pant; each sound quiet and fast, which to Neku's ears sounded extremely embarrassing.

Red tinted his cheeks furiously as he managed enough breath to say, "Yeah, Josh. Why wouldn't I think of games whenever you're involved? Just…uh…look at what you're doing now. Ah…!"

Neku gave a sharp tug on the head buried against his neck as his legs gave out and he started to slide down the wall. But Josh caught him before he could fall flat on his butt and pulled him up, leading him back to the bed, still kissing and sucking along the way, ravishing as much of his proxy as he could.

"Why, Neku…this isn't a game. Rather, it's anything but," Josh said, pausing in his ministrations, lips mouthing the words against Neku's erratically bunny-jumping pulse.

Why was Neku even allowing this? Opening his eyes, Neku gazed dazedly at his ex-partner and he couldn't help or stop the shiver that ran through him at the sight of the hunger in those purple eyes. It was just like when their hands had first touched…the connection that had sparked just from a simple touch. Only this was…oh, who was Neku kidding? This was incredible.

Sure, he was pretty much about to make out with his killer, but he had missed Josh terribly and the burning inside of him told him that he wanted -and needed- this, too.

So when Josh pushed him back down on his bed, Neku didn't resist, arching into every touch the Composer would give him. His body felt like a live wire, little jolts of electricity running up and down his spine in the form of shivers. How had Neku lived without Josh all these months? How had Neku lived without _this_?

It was only when one of Josh's hands moved to cup his clothed erection that Neku realized how hard he really was.

"Unh!"

He tilted his head back to allow Josh's roaming lips better access, one of the Composer's hands still palming his erection and the other moving under his shirt to caress the bare chest that lay underneath.

"You don't know how long I've waited to do this, Neku," Josh murmured, shifting so that he could work on removing the other's annoying shirt.

"So why'd you wait?" Neku asked, hips pushing up against Josh's, the friction causing Neku to hiss loudly.

Josh only giggled quietly before tugging Neku's shirt completely off, the feeling of the room's cool air against his now bare skin causing Neku to shiver.

Josh's lips moved down his neck to his collarbone, pausing to nip and suckle the prominent bone before moving down to Neku's chest and then stomach. He swirled his tongue against the other's navel, once more causing Neku to moan loudly and arch up.

Josh smirked and practically purred "If this is how vocal you are during foreplay, I can't wait to see how much louder you are during the actual thing."

Neku bit his lip, trying without fail to keep quiet but the minute Josh's skilled fingers opened the button of Neku's pants and undid the zipper, pushing his hand down the waistband of Neku's boxers to grab his erection, Neku tasted blood and released a keening moan.

"S-shut up, asshole."

Josh merely grinned, swirling his fingers expertly around Neku's tip and pressing his nails into the soft and sensitive skin of his proxy's shaft. The Composer could already feel the precum forming and leaned down to kiss Neku's swollen and abused lips.

Without warning, Neku lightly shoved Joshua off him, moaning quietly at the loss of the hand fondling him, and began to tug on the buttons of the other's lavender shirt.

"If you're going to fully undress me, it's only fair that you should get the same treatment," Neku growled, nipping at the Composer's neck just like he had done to Neku mere minutes before.

Josh voiced no complaints, letting the shirt slide down his shoulders to reveal a lithe, toned chest. Neku snarled quietly, appreciatively at the sight and moved his lips down to lap at the pale skin, delighting in the small grunts of ecstasy leaving the Composer's lips.

Ordinarily Neku would have made some sarcastic remark about being surprised to not see breasts on the other's chest because of how feminine Josh was, but this wasn't just any set of circumstances. But also, Neku was enjoying this far too much to ruin the moment with some jibe at Josh's masculinity.

So Neku continued his ministrations downward, repeating the things that Josh had done to him, slipping his fingers underneath Josh's baggy jeans and teasingly running his fingers around his waistline, causing an enjoyable tremor to run throughout the entirety of the silver-blonde's body.

But that was when Josh had decided that he was done relinquishing control to his proxy and with absolutely no warning, Neku found both his arms above his head, both wrists encased in the grip of one of Josh's hands. The other hand was somehow sliding Neku's pants down his legs and dragging his boxers down along with them, finally and completely freeing his straining erection.

Then with a smirk, Josh made quick work of his own jeans and boxers as well.

"Wouldn't want my little Neku to be the only one in the spotlight," he whispered in the spiky-haired boy's ear, nipping seductively at the lobe and dragging his tongue slowly and sensually along the shell of the ear, which nearly undid Neku all on its own.

Josh pressed a tuft of silver-ish hair behind his ear and moved to take Neku's dick in his mouth. Neku immediately gasped, scrunching his eyes shut at the strange but pleasurable sensation now assaulting him. Josh licked the swollen head and then took more of the other boy's shaft in his wet, hot mouth.

Bobbing his head in a swift rhythm, he continued to suck and lick Neku until he tasted more precum rapidly forming at the base of Neku's penis. Then with a wet, popping sound, he released the other's genitals from the deep cavern of his mouth and lifted a hand to Neku's lips as the silver-blonde Composer licked his lips, enjoying the very essence of his proxy.

Neku looked at the fingers questioningly for a moment before understanding dawned in his dark blue eyes. He grabbed Josh's wrist and stuck the other's fingers in his mouth, swirling his tongue fiercely around each digit, sucking each individual finger until the look on Josh's face was that of a starving wolf's.

Releasing Josh's wrist, he allowed the fingers to slide out of his mouth with a satisfied smirk of his own. Josh wasn't the only one who could cause immense pleasure. If Josh was going to be taking his virginity away, which Neku knew was coming and was for some reason allowing, then he couldn't allow the prick to be too smug about his talents, now could he?

Neku didn't have too long to linger on that thought before he let out a sharp, pained gasp as a finger pressed against his entrance and slithered inside him. Josh curled and uncurled the finger repeatedly before adding another finger and thereby adding to Neku's pain.

Neku panted for breath as stars swam in his line of vision but as the fingers inside of him slowed, scissoring gently, the pain began to evaporate. Neku let out a quiet breath of relief, but tensed immediately as he felt the third finger probe his insides.

"Relax, dear. It will only hurt worse if you don't," Josh warned gently.

Neku had to wonder again why he was letting Josh do this to him. He wouldn't lie to himself and say that it didn't feel good, because it felt more than just good. It felt amazing and _heavenly._ But this _was_ his killer. Any other person would not be allowing this or _enjoying_ it.

But then the words he had spoken to Josh before he had come back to life in the RG came back to him.

_I may not forgive you, but I trust you. _

Trust. Yes, Neku had meant those words even then and now he somehow meant them even more. Even if he was still wary of Joshua being in his room about to make _freaking love to him_, Neku trusted him and cared for him and even did…forgive him. Although he wouldn't tell Josh that. Not right now anyway.

The point was that while he would never forget Josh raising the gun to his chest twice, he wanted to move past that and just get on with his life. And who knew, if he did tell Josh this, maybe the Composer would end up coming to the RG more and continue to indulge Neku in this wonderful world of bliss he was currently in.

Neku sighed and allowed the lingering tension to leave his muscles, which eliminated a huge portion of the pain. Josh curled and uncurled and swirled his fingers inside of him a couple more times before removing them and smiling an actual real and genuine smile upon hearing Neku whine at the loss of contact.

Josh quickly finished stripping himself of his own clothes and waited, poised at Neku's entrance. When Neku gave a nod of assent, Josh entered him, brushing his fingers against Neku's collarbone and chest to try and take his mind off the initial pain.

Neku hissed between clenched teeth, but the pain didn't last long as the pleasure quickly overpowered it and drug Neku down deep.

Joshua thrust into him and Neku arched up to meet him, their hips meeting and causing a delicious friction. Joshua thrust harder and Neku all but mewled at the amazing feeling welling up in the pit of his stomach. Every nerve and vein felt like they were on fire.

Neku clasped Josh's shoulders, his legs hugging the other's hips as he and Josh found their rhythm. Each thrust brought with it more pleasure and even more friction until Neku couldn't stand it any longer and reached his hand down to fondle his neglected member to add to the pressure of the release building up inside of him.

Josh released a feral, almost possessive growl as his hand knocked Neku's away and clamped down on his proxy's erect member, shifting his hand up and down, using his nails to scratch at the skin, anything to give his partner the pleasure he so desired.

Each thrust became harder and faster, sweaty skin making their bodies slick which only made it easier for them to continue quickening their pace.

"Josh, I'm not going to last much longer. I'm…!"

Neku gave a cry of nearly agonizing relief as he felt the feeling in his gut finally burst, his fluids jetting out and hitting the Composer's stomach. Hearing his proxy scream was all it took for Josh to release as well.

Gasping, Neku looked up at Josh and what he saw made his heart almost stop mid-beat. Josh's head was tipped down toward his partner, his eyes closed with his long eyelashes framing his godlike face, his hair surrounding his cheeks like a feathery silver-blonde halo. He was beautiful. Why had it taken Neku so long to realize?

Still holding himself up on shaky arms Joshua didn't collapse on top of Neku after he came, instead leaning down to press gentle, soft kisses and licks on Neku's cheekbone, his jaw line, his neck, anything he could reach.

Neku quivered at the feeling, his limbs not far off from being completely numb after that mind-blowing orgasm. The tremor ran from the very tips of his orange spikes all the way down to his toes and Neku closed his eyes, reveling in this amazing symphony of feelings.

Minutes later, Joshua's lips ceased to make contact as the Composer curled up against Neku's side, their legs tangled together casually.

Neku kept his eyes closed, listening to the sounds of Joshua's soft breathing beside him, the sound of the sheets underneath them rustling whenever one of them shifted ever so slightly. But when he felt a hand gently start sifting through his spikes, he lazily opened one eye and saw that Joshua's gaze was no longer on him as it had been during their connection, but instead it was far off and distant.

Neku leaned up and the hand stopped its movement, dropping back down to its owner's side. The ex-Player didn't know why, but this look in Josh's eyes was scaring him. It was a look he had never before seen on the Composer's face and he didn't like it. Not one bit.

"Josh, what's wrong?" Neku asked quietly, cautiously.

Josh didn't answer, standing up and retrieving his fallen clothing. He dressed fluidly and with complete ease and Neku leaned up, reaching a hand out toward his…partner.

"Josh, what're you-"

"Neku, I do hope you've realized by now that I face Erasure just by being here with you."

Josh's voice was monotone, his eyes hollow as he turned to look at his proxy once more. Neku's eyes widened as it dawned on him what Joshua's words meant.

"You mean…you're leaving."

It wasn't a question, it wasn't a statement. It was barely even a whisper. Neku's hand clenched the sheets tightly, his knuckles turning white with strain.

"I'm sorry, Neku. The higher ups…they have the final say. Not me."

Neku didn't even have time to respond before Josh began fading, his body becoming transparent as he raised his frequency back up to UG levels. Now the only sound in Neku's ears was the gentle wisp of his curtains as they shifted against the window.

For what felt like the longest time, Neku didn't move even an inch. He just stared at where Josh had been and the tight clenching squeeze in his heart told him something that Josh hadn't said. He wasn't coming back.

Neku closed his eyes and fell back against his pillows, his bare, sweaty chest still shuddering from the aftermath of their lovemaking session. He growled, softly at first and then louder and louder, over and over again until his voice was nearly hoarse with rage.

Why? Why did Josh do this him every time?

Neku felt tears pricking at his eyes but he made no move to wipe them away. He let the burning, tearing sensation continue to seize him until finally the tears seeped through his lashes and spilled down onto his cheeks, effectively soaking the sheets.

Until Josh had come back into his life today, Neku hadn't fully realized how much he had missed the annoying, girly prick. But now that he had come _and _gone, Neku was broken. And because Josh wouldn't be coming back, no matter what Neku said or did, all Neku had were the memories and the feelings inside of him.

He would let these feelings tear him apart from the inside out if that's what it took to make it feel like Josh was still with him, still beside him. And only in the midst of all these painful feelings did Neku realize the real reason he had never wanted to admit that he missed his partner. Because all Josh did was betray him. Every fucking single time.

And yet…Neku loved him anyway.

Okay, so wow…my first ever Neku/Josh fic as well as my first ever lemon. YAY! I feel, for my very first lemon, that I did pretty well. At least I hope so. I also feel I might have made both Josh and Neku a little (or maybe very) OOC so…critique would be lovely.~

For those who may not have realized, the title is simply metaphoric. And quite symbolic because of how Neku died. So…yeah. I might do a sequel…I might not. It all depends. What do you guys think?

Oh, and did anyone catch my little tribute to the Japanese title of the game hiding in the fic? If you did, you get an uber special cookie!~

Also, sorry to readers who have read some of my other stuff as well. I don't know if you've noticed but I have changed my style just a little bit. I'm now using more spaces in between dialogue and paragraphs to try and make it more like what you would see in a book since that would technically be the professional way to do it. Or, at least one professional way. Did that make sense?

Anyway, sorry if it freaks some of you out or annoys you.

Review if you like~!

CuteVampireCollie


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